Some of the people who read this already know that Brent and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 10 months now and have been unsuccessful. I realize ten months isn't all that long but it feels like it's been forever.
In addition to that I currently have 8 friends/family members that are pregnant along with a handful who just had cute little babies. I am so happy for these lucky women and their families. But I won't lie and say it isn't hard to watch sometimes.
One of the blessings I have enjoyed most of my life is that as I have gone through trials I have maintained a very close relationship to the Spirit and to my Heavenly Father. I have enjoyed open communication with Him and He with me. It has carried me through tough times and encouraged me when making tough decisions.
So when I tell you that this has been a hard 10 months, a big part of that is that I have felt distanced and alone and sometimes bitter. I'm honest. Don't judge.
Why? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that eventually "please bless that we can get pregnant" Didn't seem to feel right (and wasn't cutting it obviously). So it changed to "Help us to be able to start our family." But soon I just felt like He knew my heart, he knew what I wanted and I had already asked a lot. It didn't feel like something I should be asking for anymore.
Well then I didn't know what to say. I realize that I am the one that created that distance but just believe me that for a while I just didn't know how to talk to my Heavenly Father and I didn't feel like I could bridge that gap.
Last weekend I loved conference! because of my job at Gadabout and Brent's at CVS, we were only able to watch Sunday sessions. But we had some good friends over for breakfast and that helped me stay awake! One of the things I really took away with me was that the Lord knows best and that He wants us to be happy. I heard this message over and over. I'm not sure if it was really repeated that often but I know that the spirit was helping me to remember things I have known for years.
So on Tuesday afternoon I picked up the April copy of the Ensign magazine for some light reading and opened randomly to an article called: I Need the Every Hour By Elder Brent Nielson. The talk was on prayer and Elder Nielsen went through all the reasons we need to pray always and the blessings we receive by doing so. I read it thinking "wow, this is exactly what I needed to read today." I was touched by the Lord speaking to me through the words of his witnesses on Earth.
The next article I read, was about dating people with our standards but really about obedience to the Spirit. At the end of this article I started tearing up when i read the verse quoted from Isaiah
“For as the heavens are higher than
the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways, and my thoughts than
your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8–9).
I knew that the Lord was reminding me that even through my struggles of wanting to be a parent and wondering why we haven't received that blessing, He really does know best. He wants me to be happy and his ways are higher than my ways of achieving that. I was being humbled and entreated to be submissive.
I really felt that this was written for me and I was so grateful to really hear the spirits voice again, and to deeply feel God's love for me. So as I turned the page and saw the next article:
Faith and Infertility, My whole body started shaking. I know that the Lord was speaking to me at that moment. I saw that He was reaching out to me through His word and telling me that He does know my heart. He cares for me.
Let me explain that as far as we know neither Brent or I are infertile. Its just been a long time that we've been trying. Most of my friends and family are the type who think about being pregnant and about 2 minutes later they are, so for me 10 months was unimaginable at first.
I also want to acknowledge the strong women I know who have tried for years unsuccessfully and are still left wanting. My heart is with these women daily and I know that my trial is small in comparison. Along with all the other difficulties that come with the desire and the struggle of having a healthy baby.
One of the things I loved about reading the last article I mentioned was that For once I heard other people, many other people sharing their feelings that were so close to mine. In the Society of the "mormon" Church its hard to escape feelings of inadequacy or unfulfillment if as a woman, your motherhood is challenged. It is important that we realize that not all families start of easily, healthily or happily. Sensitivity is key!
I will not go over the whole article here, but if you'd like to read it you can follow this link
I will share my favorite quote.
“When someone has an
ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a
blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who
aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected.
The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second
is faith-perfecting.”
My testimony has been strengthened of the Lord's love and awareness of me. I believe that my faith has been tested and I hope I can come out stronger!
